January 31st, 2026.
Text. All of it text. Text I am typing on a screen. Green text. Green text over a black background.. Goooood.... You might be wondering who I am. Please stop wondering. Shhhhhhhhh. My mother told me not to talk to strangers. It is bad. I am only but an anonymous writer writing down what I think of life. Wonderful, gracious life. Nice life. Then, dead life. Then, stamp life. Stamps are good. If I'm good enough at this I might get on a stamp. So possibly, you could print this page out and then put it into mail with a stamp of me. Who am I? Please stop wondering.
Well, I might tell you one thing. I think I was born as an egg. Yes, an egg. A tiny little egg. And then I hatched. I came out of that egg. A very good egg, mind you. I was such a good egg I was getting calls from the egg companies. Not a bad egg. A bad egg is a idiom. I was raised by very good parents. These parents were very nice to me. They gave me food, drink, pizza, water, slop, orange juice, saltwater, toxic waste, gas masks, urine, gas masks that weren't edible, and all of the like. Wonderful, wonderful parents. It was a shame they were hit by that train long ago. That made me develop my fear of trains.
And so, I myself, only at a young, young age of 189 years old, in human years mind you, have decided to make a blog about my daily life. I hope you enjoy it (and please remember that all of this is comedy)
February 1st, 2026.
I remember that day like it was yesterday. I was reading "The Book That You Can't Put Down". It was really good. I could put it down. A train then starting barreling towards me. I heard it far away. The conductor had the radio playing "The Bomb" by The Bucketheads. That's probably.. a 7/10. Not even the best dance song of the year. My parents had to jump in the way. They both died. To be honest with you, I was very mad that they had gotten me off the road. I was trying to kill myself. Idiots. However, my fear of trains really started when I got a hold of a dictionary. I didn't even know that they typed train like that. I thought it was "trayn". And so, the payn of the spelling drove me insayn.
I only fly on playnes, now. Try to crash them. One time I almost did, but I crashed on a farm. A slave owner found me and forced me to work on his cotton farm. Little did I know, that his name was John Lincoln, an evil distant cousin of Abraham Lincoln, 16th president of the United States. I worked until they freed us. When did they free us? I think it was like.. June 18th or something. They said they were going into "Galveston" after that. They gave us some Snickers bars. It was fine, I guess. I remember after the Civil War, then came the Chocolatier War.
I was one of those people. I worked as a candy spy. I was trying to get secrets on some of the great candy companies. Usually I would get a lot of good intel from whistleblowers who left the company. You would find them in very secret places of bloody corpses. That kid flew down the slide and got his head sliced off by a branch. His friend told me Mars did it. Very dangerous worlds.. very secret societies.. They killed Roald Dahl after he made Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I came back to that playground, right there was him.. next to that kid. They never got rid of him. Weird.
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